12:19am

the clock on the wall is ticking; a slow reminder that nothing ever stays the same. everything/everyone is constantly changing, evolving, transforming. dan is sleeping on the couch. i got upset with him because he called nick disgusting. a person is a person, regardless of their physical looks, income, and etc. and so i got upset. maybe i should of explained to him why it bothered me so much but i thought it was best to just leave the situation. and once the spring is replaced by fall- the leaves ablaze with color and slowly making their way to the ground. the branches now bare and naked. what is left? but after the winter the tree will awaken from his slumber and bring forth new life. i wish i had something profound to write but nothing comes to mind. i feel frustrated... am i compromising myself to the point that i am no longer elbert? if said person never changes will i still love/stay with said person? this is a trick question because everyone changes. whether the change is good or bad is up to that person. i know i want to keep changing for the better. i know i can be better. fuck. i cant explain it. i am happy with who i am but i strive to be the best version of myself. i guess it's about striking a balance. give and take. up and down. but i love him. and i will keep trying.

the lonely warrior.

the heart wants what the heart wants... since no one reads this i thought it'd be a safe place to write down my thoughts. i've been so restless these past few days. i lay in bed and all these thoughts and questions circle my mind. i'm having second thoughts about the peace corps. the more i think about it, the more i don't want to go. 27 months is a really long time. and what if i don't like it? i can be so selfish sometimes. but if i'm really honest with myself- the real reason why i'm hesitant about going to the peace corps is because of all the memories i'll be missing out on. 27 months is a long time. but it's always been my dream to go. i can only hope that i am going for the proper reasons. life is short. i keep telling myself that. and whatever is meant to be, will be. i wish he were coming with me.

choose your own adventure.

i used to love those 'choose your own adventure' books. as a kid, you really felt like you a had a say in the storyline and it made reading way more fun. i would cheat and bunny ear the pages just in case the main character faced an untimely death and i would start over. if only making choices were that easy in real life. the older you get the harder it is to make choices. when your younger(ages 4-10) you know exactly what you want and don't really mind the consequences. when your older, you have more people to think about. that whatever decision you make- affects a lot of people. i recently applied to the peace corps. something i've always wanted to do but never saw through. i always put it off, making one excuse after the other. but i finally finished the application and was given the opportunity to interview with a recruiter. from here the recruiter can either nominate me or not. if given the chance to actually go overseas for 27 months i wonder if i'd really go. everything inside of me is telling me to go but then my brain tells me that i need to stay and get a job, maintain my friendships, watch my niece and nephew grow older, and etc. as far as i know- we live just once. i want my life to mean something. for it to matter. and i know there are a hundred ways i could volunteer locally but a chance like this is not one that comes around often. to be immersed in a different culture, to be able give and to learn from someone different than me. natalie was talking to me about windows in our life and how as you get older the windows start to slowly close. she was saying that as much as she would like to go volunteer somewhere she couldn't because of her kids and commitments. if i were ever to go, now would be the time. but like always, i'm getting ahead of myself. i may interview horribly and that'll be that but i need to at least try. we all make sacrifices in our daily life. and we have to live with them.

new everything.

moving to a new city is liberating and lonely. at least for me. i can be anyone and just start all over without any judgments or prejudices from the people around me.

for reals, we get stuck in a rut cause the people around us expect us to be a certain way. i'm not blaming anyone for anything but it's hard to change when the people (friends and family) around you expect you to be a certain way.

elbert's always going to speak before he thinks. or elbert's just crazy.

being all alone i'm able to evaluate myself. kinda like unpacking. what to keep and what to throw away?

different sides of me are coming out. i never knew i could be so brave and strong. (not to toot my own horn but TOOT)

something about portland makes me want to start being healthy. eat right and exercise. i've been doing both for the past couple of days and i hope it sticks.

it kinda dawned on me that i'll be living here for a year. the uncertainty is so exciting! who will my friends be? how will i like the rain? and etc.

so last night i found myself at a bar. not just any bar but like a dance bar, if that makes sense. i felt so awkward. i had a drink in my head and was kinda swaying back and forth trying to fit in. it didn't work. i was about to leave and head home. i felt more lonely being at this bar than i did at home. all these strangers with their friends and me just by myself. but i saw this one guy, kinda chubby and balding- he was on the dance floor without a care in the world. his dance moves were out of this world! he really didn't care what anyone thought of him. he made my night. so i chugged my drink and i dance a fool. i closed my eyes and just let go. when did i start caring so much about what strangers thought of me? who cares if i went alone. i had fun.

will update this blog more regularly, so please feel read to read and comment.

what do i really want?

what do i want? what's that one thing i really want? is it a job? a degree? a lover?

i don't know. but i know i haven't found it yet. maybe it's just being happy with myself and what i have now. i can look at the world in two ways. the first is that the world is fucked up and i can't do anything about it. and the second is that the world is fucked up but i can do my small part.

the hulk.

“Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.”

so true. i say some witty things when i' mad, i can say some insulting things. but am i proud of this? no, i'm not. not that many people know, but i have a problem with anger. my parents fought and yelled at each other since i can remember, but, alas, this is just another excuse. i push the people i love most when i'm angry. and i know i need to relax, count to 25, and just breathe. you know somedays you just have a bad day and you wanna take it out on someone? and this person is usually the one that loves me the most. i feel so bad... but i know i can change. hope is not lost. i throw things when i get mad. i yell. i punch. i kick. and i'm 24. geez. i need to get a grip on myself.

been waiting all day for a call from my sister.. this call determines whether or not i can get a dog. long story. sigh. but i have time. my sis was walking her dog, a shiba inu named cody and this girl approached her asking her if she wanted another shiba inu. my sister thought this girl was crazy. these dogs run about 1,800.. my sis inquired more and found out that this girl found a stray shiba inu. my sister was ecstatic and she quickly agreed. so she took in yuki. but cody hated yuki. and she couldn't take it anymore so she gave yuki back. but now i want yuki. but now the girl who's taking care of yuki is having second thoughts and wants to keep her. geez.. heartbreak.

dogs make me really happy. no joke. i could sit at a park for hours with a dog and just be content. i hope it works out. either way, yuki is in good hands and in the end that's all that really matters..

quiet thoughts.

i like laying in bed and letting my mind run wild. i realize that i'm not this free spirit that i try so hard to be. i worry a lot. grad school, money, my health (i'm 24, mind you), and other useless things.

where does this lead me? it's mentally exhausting.. i've tried reading tips on how to control stress and etc. but it doesn't work for me.

today nasa discovered new "strange" things in the universe. i like this quote: "The universe keeps making strange things stranger than we can think of in our imagination," said Jon Morse, head of astrophysics for NASA. kinda shows how small we really are. put things into perspective. life is fleeting. it comes and goes.. and never comes again. sigh....

on a brighter note i'm getting a dog! it's a crazy story actually, filled with love, hope, and endurance. i promise to love and care for her to the best of my ability and power. i don't think people realize how much i love dogs.. i'm so excited i can't sleep.. and it's only monday- i pick her up friday night.

money: my parents were dirt poor but things turned up for my family. my parents are troopers. they spoiled us. they didn't want us to have to struggle and worry about money so they did what they thought was best: throw money at us. and now i don't really have a grasp on the value of money. i need to learn how to budget, to say no to marc jacobs.

i'm not sure how i feel. maybe sad and depressed? i think to myself: do i like the direction in which i'm headed? am i happy? am i really happy? will i be okay? am i a good person? is there a heaven?

love is a bitch. but i keep coming back for more. compromise is the key to any relationship. i'm so impatient and i know i need to change. i need to stop being so childish when i don't get my way. forgive me.


my birthday. geez. this may sound strange but turning 25 is making me feel kinda nervous. no other birthday has bothered me as much as 25. 25 means that i'll have to get a job, no more calling parents for money. i'm growing up whether i like it or not.

my goals for this year:

exercise (yeah right)
more patience
travel more
help people more
love people more
laugh more
smile more
dance more
be vulnerable
say sorry more
be less selfish
save money


can't wait to post pics of monster (my new dog)

i named her monster because i used to be scared of monsters and now i can reclaim that word for the better if that makes sense.