12:19am

the clock on the wall is ticking; a slow reminder that nothing ever stays the same. everything/everyone is constantly changing, evolving, transforming. dan is sleeping on the couch. i got upset with him because he called nick disgusting. a person is a person, regardless of their physical looks, income, and etc. and so i got upset. maybe i should of explained to him why it bothered me so much but i thought it was best to just leave the situation. and once the spring is replaced by fall- the leaves ablaze with color and slowly making their way to the ground. the branches now bare and naked. what is left? but after the winter the tree will awaken from his slumber and bring forth new life. i wish i had something profound to write but nothing comes to mind. i feel frustrated... am i compromising myself to the point that i am no longer elbert? if said person never changes will i still love/stay with said person? this is a trick question because everyone changes. whether the change is good or bad is up to that person. i know i want to keep changing for the better. i know i can be better. fuck. i cant explain it. i am happy with who i am but i strive to be the best version of myself. i guess it's about striking a balance. give and take. up and down. but i love him. and i will keep trying.

the lonely warrior.

the heart wants what the heart wants... since no one reads this i thought it'd be a safe place to write down my thoughts. i've been so restless these past few days. i lay in bed and all these thoughts and questions circle my mind. i'm having second thoughts about the peace corps. the more i think about it, the more i don't want to go. 27 months is a really long time. and what if i don't like it? i can be so selfish sometimes. but if i'm really honest with myself- the real reason why i'm hesitant about going to the peace corps is because of all the memories i'll be missing out on. 27 months is a long time. but it's always been my dream to go. i can only hope that i am going for the proper reasons. life is short. i keep telling myself that. and whatever is meant to be, will be. i wish he were coming with me.

choose your own adventure.

i used to love those 'choose your own adventure' books. as a kid, you really felt like you a had a say in the storyline and it made reading way more fun. i would cheat and bunny ear the pages just in case the main character faced an untimely death and i would start over. if only making choices were that easy in real life. the older you get the harder it is to make choices. when your younger(ages 4-10) you know exactly what you want and don't really mind the consequences. when your older, you have more people to think about. that whatever decision you make- affects a lot of people. i recently applied to the peace corps. something i've always wanted to do but never saw through. i always put it off, making one excuse after the other. but i finally finished the application and was given the opportunity to interview with a recruiter. from here the recruiter can either nominate me or not. if given the chance to actually go overseas for 27 months i wonder if i'd really go. everything inside of me is telling me to go but then my brain tells me that i need to stay and get a job, maintain my friendships, watch my niece and nephew grow older, and etc. as far as i know- we live just once. i want my life to mean something. for it to matter. and i know there are a hundred ways i could volunteer locally but a chance like this is not one that comes around often. to be immersed in a different culture, to be able give and to learn from someone different than me. natalie was talking to me about windows in our life and how as you get older the windows start to slowly close. she was saying that as much as she would like to go volunteer somewhere she couldn't because of her kids and commitments. if i were ever to go, now would be the time. but like always, i'm getting ahead of myself. i may interview horribly and that'll be that but i need to at least try. we all make sacrifices in our daily life. and we have to live with them.

new everything.

moving to a new city is liberating and lonely. at least for me. i can be anyone and just start all over without any judgments or prejudices from the people around me.

for reals, we get stuck in a rut cause the people around us expect us to be a certain way. i'm not blaming anyone for anything but it's hard to change when the people (friends and family) around you expect you to be a certain way.

elbert's always going to speak before he thinks. or elbert's just crazy.

being all alone i'm able to evaluate myself. kinda like unpacking. what to keep and what to throw away?

different sides of me are coming out. i never knew i could be so brave and strong. (not to toot my own horn but TOOT)

something about portland makes me want to start being healthy. eat right and exercise. i've been doing both for the past couple of days and i hope it sticks.

it kinda dawned on me that i'll be living here for a year. the uncertainty is so exciting! who will my friends be? how will i like the rain? and etc.

so last night i found myself at a bar. not just any bar but like a dance bar, if that makes sense. i felt so awkward. i had a drink in my head and was kinda swaying back and forth trying to fit in. it didn't work. i was about to leave and head home. i felt more lonely being at this bar than i did at home. all these strangers with their friends and me just by myself. but i saw this one guy, kinda chubby and balding- he was on the dance floor without a care in the world. his dance moves were out of this world! he really didn't care what anyone thought of him. he made my night. so i chugged my drink and i dance a fool. i closed my eyes and just let go. when did i start caring so much about what strangers thought of me? who cares if i went alone. i had fun.

will update this blog more regularly, so please feel read to read and comment.

what do i really want?

what do i want? what's that one thing i really want? is it a job? a degree? a lover?

i don't know. but i know i haven't found it yet. maybe it's just being happy with myself and what i have now. i can look at the world in two ways. the first is that the world is fucked up and i can't do anything about it. and the second is that the world is fucked up but i can do my small part.

the hulk.

“Speak when you are angry - and you'll make the best speech you'll ever regret.”

so true. i say some witty things when i' mad, i can say some insulting things. but am i proud of this? no, i'm not. not that many people know, but i have a problem with anger. my parents fought and yelled at each other since i can remember, but, alas, this is just another excuse. i push the people i love most when i'm angry. and i know i need to relax, count to 25, and just breathe. you know somedays you just have a bad day and you wanna take it out on someone? and this person is usually the one that loves me the most. i feel so bad... but i know i can change. hope is not lost. i throw things when i get mad. i yell. i punch. i kick. and i'm 24. geez. i need to get a grip on myself.

been waiting all day for a call from my sister.. this call determines whether or not i can get a dog. long story. sigh. but i have time. my sis was walking her dog, a shiba inu named cody and this girl approached her asking her if she wanted another shiba inu. my sister thought this girl was crazy. these dogs run about 1,800.. my sis inquired more and found out that this girl found a stray shiba inu. my sister was ecstatic and she quickly agreed. so she took in yuki. but cody hated yuki. and she couldn't take it anymore so she gave yuki back. but now i want yuki. but now the girl who's taking care of yuki is having second thoughts and wants to keep her. geez.. heartbreak.

dogs make me really happy. no joke. i could sit at a park for hours with a dog and just be content. i hope it works out. either way, yuki is in good hands and in the end that's all that really matters..

quiet thoughts.

i like laying in bed and letting my mind run wild. i realize that i'm not this free spirit that i try so hard to be. i worry a lot. grad school, money, my health (i'm 24, mind you), and other useless things.

where does this lead me? it's mentally exhausting.. i've tried reading tips on how to control stress and etc. but it doesn't work for me.

today nasa discovered new "strange" things in the universe. i like this quote: "The universe keeps making strange things stranger than we can think of in our imagination," said Jon Morse, head of astrophysics for NASA. kinda shows how small we really are. put things into perspective. life is fleeting. it comes and goes.. and never comes again. sigh....

on a brighter note i'm getting a dog! it's a crazy story actually, filled with love, hope, and endurance. i promise to love and care for her to the best of my ability and power. i don't think people realize how much i love dogs.. i'm so excited i can't sleep.. and it's only monday- i pick her up friday night.

money: my parents were dirt poor but things turned up for my family. my parents are troopers. they spoiled us. they didn't want us to have to struggle and worry about money so they did what they thought was best: throw money at us. and now i don't really have a grasp on the value of money. i need to learn how to budget, to say no to marc jacobs.

i'm not sure how i feel. maybe sad and depressed? i think to myself: do i like the direction in which i'm headed? am i happy? am i really happy? will i be okay? am i a good person? is there a heaven?

love is a bitch. but i keep coming back for more. compromise is the key to any relationship. i'm so impatient and i know i need to change. i need to stop being so childish when i don't get my way. forgive me.


my birthday. geez. this may sound strange but turning 25 is making me feel kinda nervous. no other birthday has bothered me as much as 25. 25 means that i'll have to get a job, no more calling parents for money. i'm growing up whether i like it or not.

my goals for this year:

exercise (yeah right)
more patience
travel more
help people more
love people more
laugh more
smile more
dance more
be vulnerable
say sorry more
be less selfish
save money


can't wait to post pics of monster (my new dog)

i named her monster because i used to be scared of monsters and now i can reclaim that word for the better if that makes sense.

over and under.

i suck at relationships. they go great in the beginning and it only goes downhill from there. i wanna say it's them and not me.. but i know i'm at fault as well. or maybe, just maybe i haven't met the right person yet. i'm very impatient and i have a very sharp tongue. and this tends to be a very bad combination.

my blog sucks

according to my friend bill, my blog pretty much sucks.

hopefully with the start of my new internship things will get a bit more exciting around here.

my passport came in the mail. now i just need a lot of money so i can actually go somewhere. one time i bought a very expensive wallet, but i didn't have any money. yeah.

my friend gave me a george foreman grill for freeeeeeee! so today i made chicken, rice, asparagus (my pee's gonna smell for a couple of days) and a glass of water for dinner. it was delish!

took this picture at pigeon point, what a great name huh?

i have the most nicest friend, and i wonder why he's still single. this is a messed up world. where looks come before personality. and riches before humility.

more than you'll ever know.

It's amazing how people can change over time. Not in a bad way, but it truly is amazing how people you once knew can become total strangers. One day your favorite color is purple, and now.. You don't even have a favorite anything. But I believe that together we can trudge through the mundane, and climb over the formulas in life. Triumph, and overcome we will.

I like when people laugh. That hearty laugh that you can't fake. When you laugh so hard your tummy hurts. I like those the best.

One of my life long goals is to be in the Aids Life Cycle. I had an excuse for every year. I'm not fit enough, my bike sucks, schools more important.. But last night I decided to start training for next years aids life cycle. I realized.. something will always come up, you just gotta grab the bike by the handles bar and ride.

I'm better than you in almost every way. Your fat, I'm fatter. Your mean, but I'm meaner. Your pretty dumb, but really.. I'm a lot dumberrrr. 

We are all great, in our own special way. 

We all mess up here and there, but it's gonna be alright. 

I guess life is about getting a job, and going on vacations once in awhile. Growing up sucks. 

Trial, error, and love.

How do we know when we love someone? And how do you make love last? 

I wish we knew who we're supposed to spend the rest of our lives with. But I guess that would take out the mystery, and surprise out of life. Sometimes easier is not always better. 

Is it better to have a good friend, or a good lover? 

No one said it would be easy. 

I'm falling apart, and I don't know why. I know why. Because I can't stand up for myself. 

24, and directionless. That feels about right. 

The worst feeling is that feeling you get when you realize you've been fooled. But at least your better because of it. Toying with ones emotions is cruel, and very unusual. But I guess that's the game of love. I'm going to write more, but the laundry's calling my name. 

people are stoopid.

i will not hang out with people who....

use money as a leverage

think they're better than everyone else

pick sides

have no moral compass

see people as objects

that is all for now.. 

i think your evil, and you have a bad heart. 

treat people the way you like to be treated. 

Wildly be who you are. 

euphoric moments.

Last weekend I drove up to Humboldt to see a potential grad school. Sometimes I wonder if I'm a robot. I really can't tell sometimes. Graduate school would mean more money.. But, I don't really need money. I'm happiest when I'm poor. But I know getting a masters would please my parents, and it might impress my friends or lovers. Haha. Elbert Park is a Master!  It has a nice ring to it. But really. Life is about choice. Vanilla or Chocolate. 

We were driving, and my friend slammed on the brakes. We almost hit a family of deer. Three to be exact. They looked our way, and just continued walking. We pulled over, and started following them. The quiet footsteps of the deer, I can only describe as euphoric and peaceful. They would occasionally shoot us a glance our way, and they continued walking. I think they just had dinner, and we taking a stroll. Graduate school, money, love, and robots were the last thing on my head. This experience was surreal, and utterly real at the same time. After about 7-8 minutes the deer turned left, and headed into the forest. I closed my eyes, and told myself I would never forget this moment. 

I have a choice. 

"Don't ask what what the world needs. Instead, ask what makes you come alive, And go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have truly come alive". 

I want to be alive. I had originally titled my blog 'the everyday', because I wanted to celebrate the small, beautiful things in life. To accentuate the everyday. To indulge in the small pleasures in life. Eating with friends, holding hands with lovers, crying when I am sad, and when I am happy. 

 I'm having a motherless Mother's Day. (my mom lives 6 hours away) So I'm spending it with a friend. Which reminds me of this quote I heard years back.

Treat your family like friends, and your friends like family. 

Happy Mother's Day.

Carl Jr.

This is my friend Carl Jr, but he goes by Carl most of the time. I've only met Carl for a short while, but it's been a great run so far. I met Carl through my classmate and friend Katie. They've been dating for about two years now.  The first time I really met Carl was at my house. We were having a party and I had invited Katie, and she brought Carl. We were having a great, drunk time. I played bartender that night and had made some really good but strong drinks. Needless to say, we were feeling pretty good. No matter where you were in the house, you heard Carl. He's a pretty loud guy, in a good way, not the annoying loud, but a funny, charismatic way. A couple hours pass and we hear a knock on the door. The cops decided to stop by because our neighbor decided to be a jerk. Carl wouldn't have any of it. He just ran and ran and took Katie along for the ride. Why they fled, I will never know. They peed in bushes, climbed in trees, and did their best to evade the cops. The cops simply told us that everyone had to leave, there was no need for Carl and Katie to flee. Why they bolted- I will never know.. The morning after I hear a knock on my door. It was Katie. They had slept in the car. Why? I have no idea. And that's the first time I met Carl. 

Carl's a great guy. He's always smiling, and if he's not smiling he's drinking. He even smiles when he drinks. I mostly see Carl at nighttime. I've only seem him midday once, and he didn't look too good. He was tired and grumpy, so maybe it's best I only see him at night. Carl can make anyone feel at ease and comfortable. He has one of the biggest personalities I have ever met, and he's sincere and genuine. One time Katie, Carl , Duncan and I were at a gay bar and after a couple drinks, Carl shouts,"Wow, gay people are fun!" I love Carl, and I'm almost sure you will too.